Is my number up?

I've been in the software/web application industry for about 13 years. I joined a start up in early 2000 that lived or died by their quarterly numbers and what venture capital it raised. I loved that company and stayed with that start-up through an aquisition. We were bought out by a larger company from Canada. I LOVED that company (still do) too. I survived about 4 rounds of layoffs while employed there. Each round was heartbreaking. One of the rounds happened while I was 6 weeks pregnant with Kaitlyn. That one was awful. I hadn't told anyone yet and I was feeling horrible and had taken some time off because my morning sickness had started full on right at the same time as the layoffs were about to happen. I was sure I was one of them. I remember the HR reps from "corporate" coming to our office and overseeing the executions. I remember one of the directors walking to each of the employee's cubes and asking them to "come with me". I nearly had a heart attack when he walked near my cube. Luckily I was spared.

At my current company, we've had a few rounds and my area has been affected. The rumors started in late October. Our company has weathered this financial crisis pretty well so most of 2009 I didn't really worry too much about losing my job. I do a good job, work with a lot of people who do important things and know me and my abilities. I am on important projects. I am leading important projects. I feel like the people on my team like me, respect me, and trust that I am looking out for their best interests. I get along with everyone. I LOVE my company. I love what it stands for, what it provides, and believe in it's purpose. Truly, I've been lucky to work for some great companies, but this one is where I feel the most allegience to.

Does that even matter anymore?

December is here and we know that something will happen before Christmas (Merry Christmas to you, too!). I am hopeful that I am not one of the "walking dead" in our company but you never know. I'd like to think that I contribute a lot to my organization and I have value there. The same can be said for a lot of people I work with--even some that were laid off. So, I try not to get too worked up. Whatever happens has already been decided--probably months ago--so I have no control over it now. I try to remain calm and focused on the projects and work that I am doing.

But still.

How many rounds of layoffs can one person survive? I've heard of "survivor guilt" and I believe in it. I felt guilty and horrible for those that were cut each time layoffs happened. I remember the tears and the look of panic in their eyes and the shear desperation in their face that they could not hide. It's such a horrible part of being in the workforce. Reductions in staff are something I will never fully comprehend. The people are a company's biggest asset. Why is that so hard to rememeber when it comes to cutting costs? The cost to hire and retrain a person to do the empty position is huge and is a setback to the group or project's progress--every time.

I am not an HR expert. I am sure I am missing the "big picture" about why companies choose to lay off their employees in order to cut costs. I know they are easy numbers to quantify and line items in the "big" spreadsheet, etc. But still. I am not a line item. I am a person with a mortgage, a car payment, with children, and with great amounts of respect and dedication to my company. I am a company person. I don't just go in, do my 8 hours, and leave. I work all the time.  I think about my projects and goals all the time. It's just who I am. I love my job and I love my company.

Surely that should count for something.

Or not.

Stay tuned...