Mom Genes

There are days that I honestly cannot believe that I am a mom. Raising these two beautiful girls will be the most important thing I do in my entire life and I am fully committed to making sure that they grow up to be happy, healthy, and intelligent women. I love being a mom. I loved it from the very beginning on September 13th, 2003 when my Kaitlyn was born. She was a beautiful baby with these amazing eyes and eyelashes. People stopped and would comment on how beautiful her eyes were--they still do. I loved being home with her in those early days and weeks when it was just the two of us. I'd just sit there and stare at her with wide-eyed amazement that she was mine. I did the same with my Chloebelle. I'd just stare and feel complete.

My family.

 

Now, as they get older, I catch myself watching them play together or sit together or sleep next to each other and I feel the tears start to form in my eyes. How did I get so lucky to be their mom? What did I do to deserve such an honor? I thank God every day for them for they give me purpose and a reason to do better. I WANT to do better because of them. Even in my darkest moods a single glance or goofy smile from Chloe will lift my right out of my despair.


 

When I am stressed out about work, I'll look up at my desk and see a note Kaitlyn wrote me or a picture she drew that will send me over the moon and put an instant smile on my face. I've been known to start chuckling in the middle of a meeting because of a picture or scribbling I've found in my notebook--evidence that my girls have been there. There is no better cure to a boring meeting than to read a note from Kaitlyn or a scribbled bug drawn by my bug, Chloe.

Some days I wonder if I will ever do them justice. I have been struggling lately with not having enough patience or not wanting to take time to just play with them or sit with them. I see it. I know I am being less than loving at times and all I want to do is crawl into bed and escape the yelling and the fighting and the crying. You know, normal sister stuff. Jason has infinite amounts of patience compared to me lately and my frustration is really taking a toll. It's not something that we haven't struggled with before but it's something I want to fix once and for all.


My girls know that they are loved. They feel loved. They know how to love and to understand that love is not always perfect or shiny and happy. You can love and be frustrated. You can love and be grumpy. I want them to know that our family is their safe haven. I want them to know that even though I am not always patient, not always in the best mood, I am always their mom and no matter what else is going on in my life, they are my priority and my joy and my heart. Being their mom is something I was made to do.